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Well I guess it was just about
that time. After all I hadnt been tested for four years, and was out
of a relationship for some time, and I havent exactly been an angel.
So I thought well y'never know. Perhaps it was time to get tested
again. S'funny, but all the reassurances I have given to friends in
the past when getting tested deserted me as I drove to the clinic (Gay
Mens Health Project). "You're fine" I told myself, "and
you know it". But I wasnt quite as convinced as I thought I
should be. For those of you who havent been, when you go in you are
given a number. When your number is called you go into the office and
give your details (you can just give initials if you want to remain
anonymous) and explain why you're there. HIV test and hepatitis
screening in my case. Then you head back to the waiting area and try
not to look too hard at the others there and hope they extend a
similar courtesy to you.
Eventually your initials are
called and you go and talk to a counsellor. Now its not so bad when
your counsellor is a gay man, but try talking about how many partners
you've had recently with a matronly lady who cant quite bring herself
to say cum, referring instead obliquely to fluids and swallowing and
the like. Ha ha ha, you have to have a sense of humour about these
things. In fairness its a good time to ask advice or get things off
your chest and talk over anything that may be bothering you. After
that its back to the waiting room for a bit, and then on to the
Doctor, who is very businesslike about the whole thing, and tells you
how long the results will take - and that they will also routinely
test for syphillis as its on the increase (lets be careful out there
folks!) He fills in a bit on your chart and then you take a seat
outside the nurses office.
As I sat there and looked at all
the leaflets about everything that can happen just cos of sex I
wondered when did sex stop being fun and get so scary and dangerous?
Would it ever be fun again? The nurse was youngish and chatty which
was nice, though Im glad I wasnt getting a full STD check which
involves "swabs" - Id've been mortified! Its the nurse who
takes the blood samples - one for each test and labels them with
stickers holding the date and your initials (even the test facility
wont know your identity). I was curious as I watched the dark red
fluid being drawn into the containers at how I have come to see blood,
even my own, as a dangerous thing. There was a time when it would just
be messy, and the real danger was the bleeding not the blood. I guess
HIV, AIDS and the BTSB scandals have made us all see blood in a new
light. So despite not knowing my status one way or the other I fel a
little bit like Typhoid Mary.
That was that. I was to
"come back in a week for the results". What a week! Im not
superstitious, but I dont think Ive ever touched so much wood in all
my life! Or invoked the aid of dearly departed loved ones with so much
sincerity. All the what if scenaris went through my head. Who would I
tell, could I keep it to myself, the alterations Id have to make in my
sex life, the alterations Id have to make in my LIFE and so on.
Alternative therapies suddenly looked more sensible to my previously
cynical mind - and all this during those quiet moments of the day when
your mind wanders. As D-Day loomed I was VERY busy and simply didnt
have time to let my mind wander too much till it was time to get in
the car and go get the results. Well that was a nerve wracking
journey. I was still logically confident of everything being alright,
but emotionally I was all over the place. New number, same name, same
waiting room.
This time you get called to a
seat outside the doctors office where some music is playing on a
ghetto blaster. I soon realised it wasnt to cheer you up but to
prevent you from hearing what was being said behind the door. It was
impossible not to read the faces that came out of that door. Someone
who has been told they have HIV just doesnt look the same as someone
who has been told everythings fine. Which expression will I be wearing
I wondered. Soon it was my turn and in I went. Fortunately they dont
keep you waiting and I had barely sat down when the Doctor said
"Well, its all good news so dont worry". PHEW!! Halleluia!
No HIV, still immune to Hepatitis (from innoculations years ago for SE
Asia) and no syphillis. So Id been right all along. Silly me worrying
like that... what was I thinking? Well what Id been thinking was
exactly what anyone who goes and gets tested thinks. Its only human -
so be prepared to go through some similar mental gymnastics. And I can
tell you it was GREAT to get the good news (no offence to the HIV
positive members who are reading this).
And will all the worrying make
me change my sex life? Probably not, Ive made conscious decisions
about all that before (risk assessment etc.), and I practice safe sex
- hence, presumably, the result. I might be a bit more sensible when
Im drunk though. So there ya go, thought that might be of interest to
anyone whos thinking of getting the test. And I felt like sharing
those curious thoughts about blood and sex etc.
Finally I just want to say
that the Gay Mens Health Project does great work. Its an indispensible
service they provide, long may it continue.
Paul.
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