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Anyways, the
depression itself went away in a week or so (meaning the CONSTANT sadness
and the insomnia).. but it didn't stop my pessimism, my low self-esteem,
and even other sporadic periods of depression.. That all didn't go away
until I finally accepted the thought of being gay, which was unfortunately
3 years after this (I couldn't actually label myself as "gay"
until this moment.. silly me always thought of myself as "one who
preferred guys" It took me 3 years to realize that those two phrases
mean the same thing! ;P) Well, anyways, my point in this paragraph is that
those 3 years could've been just been 1 year or even less if I had
support. NOBODY knew about my depression, not even my family. So I
basically duked everything out by myself.
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ADVICE
ON COMING OUT
When you begin to come out
to non gay people, your experience will probably vary. Sometimes it will go
well. Occasionally a relationship will be terminated abruptly or will fade away
unexpectedly. You need to evaluate these suggestions in the light of your own
personal situation and needs. Be clear about you own feelings about being gay.
If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek help in getting
over that before coming out to parents or other non gay people. If you are
comfortable with your gayness, those to whom you come out will often see the
fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance of you.
Timing can be very
important in coming out. Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems
of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality. The mid-life crises
of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of
employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect
another’s receptivity to your information. Never come out during an argument.
Never use coming out as a weapon. Never encourage parents to feel guilty for
having “caused” your sexual orientation... because they didn’t. When
coming out to parents or family, try to affirm mutual caring and love before
launching into your announcement about your gay or lesbian life.
Be prepared that your revelation may suprise, anger or upset other people... at
first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let them be honest about
their initial feelings even if they are negative. Remember that the initial
reaction will not be the long term one. Ultimately the individuals who have
really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than
those who give an immediate but superficial expression of support. Emphasise
that you are still the same person. You were gay yesterday and you will be gay
tomorrow. If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise you will be
loving and caring tomorrow. Keep lines of communication open with people after
you come out to them, even if their response is negative. Respond to their
questions and remember that they are probably in the process of re-examining the
myths and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from out
culture.
Be sure that you are well
informed about homosexuality. Read some good books about the subject and share
them with individuals to whom you have come out. Encourage your parents or
others to whom you have some out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.
Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians a very long time to come to
terms with their own sexuality and even longer to decide to share the fact with
others. When you come out to non gay people, be prepared to give them time to
adjust and to comprehend the new information about you. Don’t expect immediate
acceptance. Look for ongoing, caring dialogue. If you are rejected by someone to
whom you have come out, do not lose sight of your own self worth.
Remember that your coming
out was a gift of sharing an important part of yourself which that person has
chosen to reject. If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was
really worthwhile. Is any relationship so important that it must continue in an
atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding? Was the person really your friend or simply
the friend of someone he or she imagined you to be? Remember also that the loss
of a friend is not the end of the world. Coming-out decisions must be made
cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long
run.
A casual or offhand approach often works best with work mates and relatives.
Sometimes a confrontational situation can be avoided simply by being honest, in
a conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you spend your
leisure time. The other person is given a chance to recognise your homosexuality
without being obliged to make some immediate response to the issue. Remember
that the decision to come out is yours. Don’t be guilt-tripped into it by
people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who as
impertinent questions. You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you
wish to come out. At this stage in our society, full public declarations about
ones sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people. T
ry not to let your family
and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as
neighbours or the media. Try to tell them personally beforehand. Whenever you
come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from it. Never let yourself be
pressured unto coming out before you are ready. Coming out is one of the most
difficult things we do in or lives. It won’t always go well, but most of the
time it is a very freeing experience.
Thanks to Patrick for this
article.
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