Jarly's Guide To Coming Out - Part 2

So what do you do when you want to tell other people?

Coming out is a process.  You’ll tell different people or groups of people at different stages.  Remember that you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.  You might be cool with some people knowing you’re gay and not others.  There are homophobes in the world and no one can blame you for avoiding awkward or dangerous situations.  But remember that a) some people will take the news of you’re being gay better than you ever expected, and b) the best way to combat prejudices is often to face them head-on.  But you don’t have to be out to everyone. It’s your choice.

Our lives tend to divide into friends, family and work.  These are broadly the 3 groups you might want to come out to.

Friends

Most of us first come out to our closest trusted friends whom we are pretty sure will be cool with us being gay.  They might be out, or have gay friends, or just have shown a tolerant attitude in the past.  Trust me, most, but definitely not all, friends will have wondered if you are gay.  You may or may not have tried to hide it, but anyone’s sexuality is a powerful aspect of their lives and bound to make itself known in one way or another.  Depending on how clued-in your friends are, they’ll probably have noticed.

Your closest friends will be supportive, and probably curious.  Be prepared for questions such as ”How long have you known?” ( ”Forever” ) and ”Who do you fancy?” ( ”Not you, mate.” ).  If they do take the news badly, give them time to come to terms with it.  If they are a good friend, they’ll be grateful for your honesty and will probably come with you to clubs before long (and we all need good drinking buddies!).

Friends who aren’t so close may be more wary of talking to you directly about your sexuality.  They might be worried about looking nosy, or just saying the wrong thing.  If they do ask any questions, the best advice is to be honest and show them that you’re cool talking about being gay.  It’s an opportunity to do your bit for gay liberation.  “It’s good to talk!”

Family

Your siblings will most likely react in a similar way to your friends when you tell them you’re gay.  As they’ve probably known you longer and more intimately, they are unlikely to be shell-shocked (though it does happen), and sometimes they are more worried for you.  Reassure them!

It’s often most difficult to come out your parents.  They are, of course, of an older generation and are often clueless about the realities of modern gay lives.  Unfortunately, it ain’t all sex, drugs and disco-dancing.  Their own issues may be religious, health-conscious, work-related, or even just worrying about what the neighbours would say.  Whatever the most dire consequences could be, they’ll have thought of it – it’s their job.  You’ll know yourself what they’ll be most worried about – prepare some soothing answers.  In case it does get out of hand, it’s a good idea to phone a friend if there’s any major problems.  If your parents love you ( they do! ) then that will be unconditional.  They may need a gay education – check out the national helpline for parents of gay kids.

It’s normal to worry that your folks will be disappointed, angry or tearful.  Remember that it’s probably a situation they’ve already imagined and it’s partly your responsibility to help them understand your sexuality, and gay lives more generally.  As for your wider family, it depends how close you are to them if you tell them personally or not.  Either way, with both friends and family, your coming out will be news – be prepared for CONGRATULATIONS! (or knowing smiles!) all round.

Work can be a tricky place to be out.  For a start, you probably don’t consider your workmates to be close friends, but you do have to interact with them all week.  On one hand, it’s annoying to have to lie about “the girlfriend” if it’s a bloke you’re snuggling up with.  But then, you might be concerned about job security, promotion or just slagging if you are out.  Some of it depends on office politics or how gender-traditional your workplace is – like, if you’re in the army, probably best to stay in that closet.  Anyway, if you would be more comfortable being out at work, then it’s probably best to say it casually the next time someone asks about ”the girlfriend” ( ”Oh, he’s fine…” ).  Take a delight in watching jaws drop, and don’t be surprised if all the girls want to hang out with their bestest new gay buddy.  And won’t the boys be jealous!

It’s worth checking out national/work policy on discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.  If you do work in a homophobic environment (e.g. sports, health professional) then you’re faced with the dilemma of either striking a blow for equality by leading with the example of your own happy out existence, or toeing the line and putting up with the shit for the sake of an easy life.  OK, I’d rather be out – but I know it’s easier said than done.

So think about it!

Good luck!

Common coming out crises

Camp

You know, effeminate, limp-wristed, tight T-shirt and good hair kinda guys.  In short, the clichéd image of gay men.

A lot of gay guys are concerned about their masculinity.  So many personal ads, for example, describe themselves as “straight acting”.  Current thinking is – who gives a fuck?  Some gay guys are camp and some aren’t.  Don’t beat yourself up over ”seeming gay”, as if expressing gayness is a weakness.  It isn’t.  You do not have to be butch, nor do you have to be camp.  Be yourself, maaan!

Partying hard

Now that you’re out, the temptation is to go mad on the scene.  Happens all the time!  The new freedom you feel can mean an overindulgence in drink, or drugs, or sex, or really crappy music by 3^rd rate girl bands.  And why not?  So long as you practise safe sex and know your limits, celebrating coming out is cool.  But don’t throw yourself into party hard mode as compensation for any unresolved issues about your sexuality.  If you need to talk things through, then your mates should be there for you.  Or go to the pros and try a gay helpline.  Then you can get back to partying hard and healthy!

Love vs. Sex

Fact of life, guys are horny.  It may seem easy at first to live the slapper life that guys excel at, but you probably feel that, beyond the sex, you really want love.  Aw!  That’s so sweet… so while you might fall in and out of bed with a few guys you’ll have an eye out for The One, and that’s cool.  Golden rule – don’t mess people round.  One night stands are fine if that’s what you both want – but don’t lead people on that there could be more to it if you don’t think there is.  Then again, it’s OK to try dating for a while, to see if it suits you both.

It’s not OK to keep people hanging on just in case you might want to shag them again.  You can have a healthy relationship just based on sex ( fuck buddies ) but it usually gets messy when one guy wants something more than just sex.  And if you find love, then you have to give in to it.     True!