Jarly's Guide To Coming Out
(As in telling folks you’re a big queer, kiddo)

The first step is crucial – coming out to yourself.
Say it.  “I am gay.”
See?!?  That wasn’t so bad!
Or was it?

Bad News (Boo!)

Well, most of us have had issues about our sexuality.  It happens cos of those currently unavoidable years of homophobic horsesh*t force-fed us from the playground to the TV.

Good News (Yay!)

The best antidote to stupid homophobia is going out and experiencing the highs, lows and sheer normality of our gay lives.  It’s called reality, cos being gay is exactly like being straight but with more style.

So now you’re coming out - what took you so long?

Here are some reasons people don’t come out:

1. Fear
2. Uncertainty
3. Inexperience
4. Straight Life ™

Fear, mostly of other people’s reactions.  My own personal reaction to homophobic abuse is ”Who gives a fuck?”, but not everyone is as cool as me.

Homophobia does exist and most of us have to deal with it.  People will make ignorant and hurtful remarks from time to time – often without even realising it.  The biggest challenge of being lesbian, gay or bisexual is rising above the idiocy of people who won’t accept you for yourself.  It won’t always be easy, but it’s easier just knowing that there are other people, friends and acquaintances, who face the same problems all the time - gay friends, a youth group, drinking mates on the scene – all essential accessories to overcoming negativity!

In the meantime, you should practise your ”Fuck you!” attitude in your own time, until you get as good at it as I am!  ;)

Uncertainty, whereby people wonder if their gay urges are ”a phase”.  The short answer is no.  If you have sexual feelings for people of the same sex, you’re gay.  Your sexuality will not change much over time, though if you’re bi, you might go through boy/girl phases of attraction.  So stop thinking that just cos you hate Steps and like football you might just be straight after all!

A lot of people who haven’t yet seen the glory of their gay potential think that if they ignore their gay feelings, the feelings will go away.  They won’t.  It is true that sexuality may be more fluid than simple gay/straight/bi guidelines we like to stick with, but you’ll probably identify strongly with one of these labels.

Some folk prefer the Kinsey Scale Test, where your sexuality falls on a scale of 1-10, 1 being “perfectly straight” (no gay feelings) and 10 being “perfectly gay” (no straight feelings).

Where do you stand?  I’m an 8 or 9, I think, so gay is good enough for me!

Inexperience, or ”How do I know if I’m gay if I haven’t tried it?”  It’s more difficult to try experimental gay snogs, as opposed to experimental straight fumblings, when you’re a teenager, cos chances are the only places to go are straight (unless you were a lucky little boy scout or boarding school inmate).  So it figures that you’ll probably have tried the straight thing, but the gay thing would mean head-first full-on gatecrashing a big scary queer nightclub (far enough away from home that no one you know will see you going in).  Fact: the average age that gay males lose their gay virginity is 20.  So compared to breeding 13-year-olds, we get a late sexual start in life (but ain’t it fun trying to catch up?).

If you haven’t had a gay experience, you’ll know you’re gay because you want one (or many).  The first experience might be awful – that kinda happens when Dutch courage dictates 5 pints, a couple of vodkas and a tequila slammer – but don’t let that put you off.  It’s all part of the journey, baby.  Thanks to our shit-scared schools, your sex ecucation is more likely to be stacks of porn movies and lots of false starts before you are fully proficient in the joys of gay sex.  Grrr!

Straight Life ™, AKA faking heterosexuality.  This stems from the perception that the straight life is easier.

Newsflash:  not if you’re gay it ain’t.  It may be common, it may be expected, it may be the done thing, but if it ain’t for you, it won’t make you happy.

Most gay people have had straight experiences.  Some think coming out is too difficult compared to at least attempting Straight Life ™.  Some enjoy their hetero flings, some don’t, most agree that their heart wasn’t in it.

OK, cool.  You know you’re gay and now you want to do something about it.  You want sex, you want love, you want to be comfortable with who you are – and you want others to be comfortable with your sexuality too.  In fact, you deserve it.  And that means you will have to come out.  Our society presupposes heterosexuality.  If you’re gay, at some stage you’ll have to acknowledge it.  You already have, by telling yourself.  Well done you!

Continue on to page 2 >>>