Note :- Full Alt Miss Ireland Photo Gallery - Part 1 should be online in a day or two.

The Alternative Miss Ireland is one of the highlights of the gay calendar. The night itself was full of high drama, low humour, a few spills ’n thrills and one or two surprises — but more of that later.

A friend of mine from work, Ann-Marie, and I met in the Front Lounge for some pre-AMI boozing. The place was jammers but we managed to get a seat at the front bar. This area of the FL is a bit of a loner’s paradise. Everyone sitting there seemed to be by themselves or else waiting on someone. Must remember never to sit there again as it’s not exactly live and kicking. The music was good though. Some bright spark had decided to dump the usually funereal background noise and pump up the volume with Madonna’s Greatest Hits. The crowd looked great — dykes in tuxes, good-looking guys in electric blue feather boas and some model-type Italian men who weren’t really sure what was going on. Heard a group of guys saying that they’d heard that GI were going to be sending some people along to the show. I felt like telling them that ‘Tom’ (see my travel feature on Copenhagen in this month’s issue) was going to be there.

Ann-Marie and I met up with my fella, Colm, outside The Olympia Theatre on Dame Street. Straight away we all knew we were in for a good night. To meet us at the door were a wonderful drag queen in a tight red cat suit selling programmes (at least I hope it was a drag queen) and a cute guy with his shirt off. Why he was shirtless was never explained but it all felt very showbizzy and glam. 

The programme itself was a bit of a disappointment. I know that loads of people put lots of free time and energy into it but to me it just seemed repetitive. The show itself was anything but.

After getting our drinks at the bar (€4.40 a pint — fuck sake, it’ll be a fiver for a pint soon), the three of us headed down to the pit at the front. Got a good place to stand and watch the show and were near enough to the bar for top ups. The curtain rose on a band awaiting its lead singer. The rifts started up and we soon basked in the presence of the evening’s host and general all-rounder, Miss Panti. Along with her blonde helpers, Dizzy and Dolly Dyin’forit, Panti kept the show on its tracks and, even at the end when THE THING happened, they all kept their cool.

The daywear section introduced us to the 10 acts. Personal favourites from this stage in the beauty pageant were Miss Monique (a South African erotic dancer who left the lesbians and straight men in the audience open-mouthed in lustful wonder), Miss Titney Queers (reigning Miss Alternative Limerick), the fabulously-named Miss Fabula de Beau Marchais (reigning Alternative Miss Cork) and Miss Fontaine. 

As far as I (plus a huge percentage of the crowd) am concerned, Miss Fontaine stole the show in the daywear section. A neat little brown number was what she wore. A neat little Streisand number was what she sang. By the end of her set, it was pretty obvious who had an excellent chance of winning the title of Alternative Miss Ireland 2002.

Next came swimwear. Miss Dial Emma looked great all huddled up within a massive shell. Sid Viscous (one of the few drag kings to have entered Alternative Miss) got the crowd going when a man-sized cookie arrived on stage to dance with him. Miss Fontaine, having already proved her stage presence in daywear, continued to be a favourite with the crowd for the swimwear section. Yet the star of swimwear was the adventurous Miss Monique. After a fall on stage (from which she graciously continued), Miss Monique and her black bikini top were suddenly separated — all to the utter delight of the lady lovers in the audience. Boy can that girl do the splits!

The final section was evening wear and this was to be where the battle for the crown would either be lost or won. Each contestant did wonderfully. Of particular merit were (again) Miss Monique, this time giving the audience a taste of her fire-eating skills. I’m sure every woman in the audience felt a bit queer when she placed the flaming poker over her nether regions. Sid Viscous had the tallest drag queen in Ireland as her backing dancer — Rentecca. The worry for me was that crowd fave, Miss Fontaine, didn’t pull out the stops for her final number. I can remember a song about coconuts and palm trees and some dancers doing the hula-hula, but not an earth-moving experience like Siobhan Broadway’s evening wear performance two years ago.

After an interval and performances from Vada, Shirley (lip synching Smells Like Teen Spirit along with 20 dancers — highlight of the night!), Siobhan Broadway and last year’s winner, Tina Leggs Tantrum, we got to find out who the winner was.

In third place was Miss Monique. The crowd were pleased, especially the female contingent and the bouncers. In second place was Chief Random Zapette. You’ll notice this entry hasn’t featured in my diary as yet. Needless to say, I didn’t agree with this choice, but it didn’t matter cos the crowd pleaser was about to be crowned Alternative Miss.

Miss Panti (or someone else — can’t remember — all a bit of a blur) was telling the audience the name of the winner. Sid Viscous. It took a wee moment to sink in. Surely Miss Fontaine was what was really written on the slip of paper in Panti’s hand and she’d got it wrong. But no, the Alternative crown was making it’s way to Viscous’s head. 

And that’s when THE THING happened. From the back of the room a noise was building. It was the sound of hundreds of people booing. It washed over our heads and hit the stage where it had the unfortunate effect of dampening the spirit of the contest. Tina Leggs Tantrum had the good grace (and the balls) to take Miss Fontaine to the front of the stage where the audience exploded with applause. Hard luck Miss Fontaine. And well done Sid Viscous (just in case you find out who I am, I didn’t boo, honest).

Afterwards the three of us joined the 100 strong queue to get into The George. I finished off my favourite night of the gay year dancing with a 39 year old mother of four. From that point on there’s not that much I can remember…

More soon

Tim

 
Tim - March 2002
Send your feedback to Tim - hello@Gay-Ireland.com